Years Passed

I have saved the most emotion filled part of our trip for last.  Two significant events happened while we were in the Midwest.  I have told you before that my sister was with me for at least a portion of the trip.  I've also shared that we tend to get more adventuresome whenever we are together, and this really rang true for this trip!

After a few years of trying to specifically locate the grave site of our infant brother, we were able to be there on a weekday and get in touch with the people who could direct us.  We knew what portion of the cemetery he was buried in, but there was never a marker placed.  (Our parents were very young, and had no money for a marker.) After getting our feet filthy (I wish I had taken a picture! LOL) trying to dig - using my sister's rental car key!  Shhh..don't tell -  beneath the overgrown grass to see if there was a least one of those little metal markers, we found a man who had a ginormous book that went with us to locate it.  It's amazing how quickly you can find something with the correct information!  After finding it, we ordered a marker.  Over 55 years later, he is no longer lost.  It was just something we had to do - some closer of sorts.

 The much bigger news is that we made an impulse decision to visit our birth father.  It is something that we didn't think about too long or we probably wouldn't have done it.  We certainly would not have done it if we hadn't been together.  Bravery comes in twos evidently!  So....without warning, we just showed up at his house.  We were all terrified!  The plan was to stay only a few minutes.  Introductions...we're fine....good bye!  We ended up staying for an hour.  Our family, not knowing where we had gone, were getting kind of worried.  I say kind of because they come to anticipate our adventures somewhat!

We didn't share information about ourselves, but he gave us his email address so we could have further contact if we chose to do so.  It was a difficult decision, but a few days ago I decided that I needed to hear his story.  I have spent hours "listening" over a messaging site.  I've just asked questions, and he has replied.  It has been difficult and exhausting for him, but I can tell he needs to get it all out.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  It's definitely an interesting story.  Sometimes he will tell a funny story about us when we were little.  It's kind of weird to hear about me as a little girl for the first time.  The funny stories offer relief when the bigger story gets to be too hard to continue for a while.

He still doesn't know much about me.  So far, he's talking and I'm just listening.  At some point I will have to make the decision of how much I want him to know.  He only calls me by my first and middle name because he doesn't even know my last name.  I have set up yet another email address just for our listening sessions. (My husband says I collect e-mails like my son collects cars!)  I can disappear.  The question becomes, do I want to?

He's afraid, he's desperate, he needs healing.  We've talked a little about God, and we've talked a little about forgiveness.  We're both healing along the way.  Yes, I've softened. I'm no longer afraid of him. Where do we go from here?  I'm not sure.  The adventure continues!

Gratitude for:
- Some sense of closure.
- My husband and my sister who listen with me and offer love and support.
- My biological father's willingness to talk, and give me the space to not to.