Jump!

Three of my grandchildren are taking swim lessons this summer.  For one particular child, this is not exactly what he would call fun.  In fact, they are something that he is extremely anxious about.  He is at the point in his classes where he has to jump off  a starting block and into the waiting deep waters below him.  Never mind that he is wearing a safety belt, the instructor is waiting below him, his sister has done it before him, and his mother is watching very closely.  He's afraid.  His only expectation is that the waters are deep and that he will sink to the bottom with no hope of being saved.  He has convinced himself that he is doomed.  As far as I know, he knows of no-one who has ever drowned.  He has never come close to drowning himself.  Never mind that after getting up enough courage to jump off five times without incident, he has lived to tell about it.  He still expects that the next time he jumps will be his last.  Forever.

It is easy enough for us to know that it will be alright.  His parents, sister, and swim instructor can all say encouraging things to him.  WE all know that he will love swimming and have many happy times with his friends at the pool when he becomes more comfortable.  The thing is that, really, he is the only one who can make the decision to let go and trust that he will be okay.  It's a hard choice!  It takes practice. Right now, he has more fear than the desire to let go and to trust.

While it easy for us to encourage him, I can't help but think that each of us have things in our lives that we're afraid of too.  Usually there is something in our past that makes us fearful of jumping into unknown waters.  While my grandson has clear blue water that he can see all the way to the bottom of, our waters appear to be much, MUCH more murky.  Just like him though, it is usually our own expectations that keep us from jumping in.  We're afraid to let go and jump too.  We have the tendency to look back to the safety of clinging to the side of the pool.  We forget that the first few times we clung to the wall where the water was over our heads, we were afraid then too. 

Even though my tendencies are to be a risk taker, there have been many times when I have been afraid to let go and jump into waters that I just knew we're over my head.  I have made myself physically ill at times with anxiety.  I want to cling to the side and not let go....even though I know that what I should be clinging to is the love of God.  He will always be there, unwilling to let me drown. I know that if I can stop looking back and stop my own false expectations from developing into a huge mountain of anxiety, I will be able to enjoy the deep end of the pool.  The water is so much more refreshing there than in the shallow end where the waters may be safe, but they have also been warmed too much with the heat of the day.  Staying in the place where I THINK I'm safe and in control isn't nearly as much fun. And really....I tend to forget that drowning can happen in the shallow end as easily as it can in the deep end.  I want to love life, and the people in my life,  more than I want to fear.

Sooo.....I encourage my grandson, myself, and you.......

              JUMP!!

The waters feel so good.

1 John 4:18  "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear; because fear hath torment...."

Gratitude for:

- My five grandchildren!

- A lazy, sleep in kind of morning.

- air conditioning!

Beauty

A little while back my daughter-in-law found this little Singer 221 Featherweight at a garage sale, and picked it up for me.

The lady who was selling it told her it had been skipping stitches, but not much other information.  After some prompting, a small bag of accessories was found, and a nominal fee agreed upon.  It came with a case too, but I think that's pretty much toast.

The first thing I did was try to date the machine.  I was really surprised not to find the serial number on a plate nor etched into the metal on the bed.  Hmmmm.....where could it be??  I searched and searched.  I finally found it on the bottom of the machine after I took the plate off!  She was made in 1941.  I already have another featherweight which I love, so I was excited about this great find.

I know you've heard the expression, "Beauty is skin deep."  Well... in this case, it's definitely true!  She is very gunky inside!  YUCK!  I'm really glad I put some paper down before I started so I could just crumple it up with the "droppings" and old, old, OLD gross oil globs!  There are a couple of gears that have teeth missing too.  My guess is that at some point she's been dropped, although the bars seem to be in ok shape. She's also one hot mama....as in it didn't take me very long to unplug her after I plugged her in! Yikes!

This is what she looks like in her current state.  Poor Beauty. The great thing is that I'm learning A LOT.  I haven't quite gotten to the gears that need to come out yet, but I think I'll figure it out. (They are the Arm Shaft Bevel Gear - Horizontal, and Vertical.  Impressed yet??)  She has lots of mysteries yet to teach me about herself.  I don't know if I'll be able to get her back together or not. We'll see.  I found a website that has a tutorial on rewiring the motor.  Will I be adventuresome enough to try it?? Hmmm.... I'm enjoying the adventure at any rate.  

There is also a place I could send her to get re-painted, and they'd put her back together for me.  If I can find that buried treasure in my back yard, I'd love to do that.  In my delusional moments, I think I get her back together, working, and looking good.

Maybe.

Right now the internet is Beauty and my best friend!

Gratitude for:

- A Daughter-In-Law who loves finding treasures at garage sales.

- The World Wide Web of much more knowledgeable people that I!

- Oil and Kerosene for Beauty, and a hot shower and soap for Me.

Waiting and waiting

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

and in his word I hope;

my soul waits for the Lord

more than those who watch for the morning,

more than those who watch for the morning."

Psalm 130

It seems that I find myself in a continual state of waiting lately, and I am impatient.  I am not one to be loudly impatient, but I am impatient none-the-less.  I prefer a path that is level and paved rather than one that is uphill and strewn full of tiny pebbles that get between the bottoms of my feet and my sandals.  My path is full of those pesky pebbles, and it is anything but level.  I've been off kilter for quite awhile now, but HOPE seems to be peeking it's head over the horizon.  I catch a glimpse of the light every now and then.

The pebbles in my path are many and varied, but I am learning to name them and rejoice in their presence.  There was a time when I thought that when I reached this time in my life that I could just be an observer.....  that I could just sit back and enjoy whatever life had to offer me.  Boy, was I wrong!  I am learning that each age and stage of life brings with it it's own challenges. There will always be something to worry over.  There will always be choices to be made.  There will always be mistakes and things we wish we could change.  BUT...... there will always be things to be grateful for and things to to rejoice in.  The pebbles just keep reminding me that I'm still alive, and that I'm not the One in control.

Today I found myself in a place I really didn't want to be: 

Hubby was kind enough to offer to renew my driver's license for me on-line yesterday.  Unfortunately, it had been about 12 years since I had updated my photo, so they required me to actually go in and renew it in person.  When I arrived, I had to wait in my car for awhile just to get a parking place!!  Imagine my surprise when some other people arrived and actually parked along the curb UNDER a SIGN that read, "Do not park along curb."  Makes you wonder whether they issued a ticket along with the new driver's license.  The DMV is a great place to people watch.  The place was packed this morning, but everyone was accommodating.  The poor girl in front of me was trying to get her license using her passport from Zimbabwe, (It wasn't going to happen.) and there were a couple of kids there for their driving tests (Since when do they let 12 year olds drive?  At least they looked like 12 year olds.)  For that matter, after looking at my new photo, when did I start to look like I'm 112 years old??  Hubby was kind enough to tell me that he doesn't think I look old.  See why I love him??  The blessing is that I don't have to go back there for another 12 years.  I might give up driving by then if I have to have my picture taken again. 

 Probably not.  

At least that is one pebble that's not irritating my foot anymore.  When the license comes, I can just tuck it in my wallet and I won't have to look at it very often.....and when I do, my thumb might just slip over the edge of the picture.

There are several other pebbles annoying me right now, but I know that somewhere further on down the path I'll be able to sit a spell and shake one or two out.  I might even be able to take the time and look at the light of HOPE peeking over that horizon and thank God for letting me know He's walking right beside me.

Gratitude for:

- No surgery for Me!!!  Therapy won't be easy, but I'm looking forward to having a more useful right arm.

- Concentrated help looking into our church building project.  At least we should have an answer sooner rather than later.

- Clean flowing water.  We were under a boil order a few days ago.  That also made me thankful for the water store in town!!

A Time for Healing

1Peter5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

A little over a year ago I injured my right shoulder.  Before you say "a YEAR ago????", let me assure you that I did go see an orthopedist at the time and he gave me a cortisone shot.  It helped....a little.

As the months have marched on, it has become more and more problematic, so I mentioned it to my Doctor when I was there for a yearly follow up on some medication she prescribes for me.  She did a cursory exam, and then sent me for X-rays and an MRI a couple of weeks ago.  The report back from the radiologist was replete with issues.

After conferring with Dr. Dave (my brother), we pretty much came to the same conclusion.  Surgery was probably in my near future.  Not what I wanted to think about, but I know I need help.  

It hurts.

A lot!

I started thinking about what all that was going to entail.  It's my right shoulder, and I'm right handed.  It's the smallest of things that worry me.  I went through my closet only to discover that 95% of what is in there has to be put on over my head.  Ladies, go look in your closets....I'll guarantee you'll discover the same thing.  After doing some shopping around, there isn't really even much on the market that doesn't go on over your head!

Then there's driving.  Nope.

Then there are things like going to the bathroom......oh, THAT'S going to be interesting.

God help me!  Seriously!!  I know that's pretty whiny considering that there are many people who don't have a roof over their heads right now, and I have a very nice one.  I know that God's listening ears are pretty full of much more important matters than my poor shoulder.  However, God, if you have a moment........

Yesterday I added a new Doctor's name to my contacts list.  He is an orthopedist that specializes in arthris care.  He ordered a few more X-rays, reviewed my MRI, and gave me a fascinating (to me anyway) exam.  I have one more test I have to do this coming week, but he told me he thinks he can make my shoulder 95% better, and I might not have to have surgery at all!  That remains to be seen, but if I do, they will be able to do it arthroscopicly.  This guy is my new Best Friend.  That doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but next week I start the healing process!  Yippee Skippee!

Oh, and God......Thank You for listening!

Gratitude for:

- a God who listens and cares about us

- Marvelous medical advancements

- realizing how many friends I have who care.

Failure

This is the place where I was last week. Really cool buildings aren't they? While the architecture is amazing, what makes this place really amazing are these.There were over 50 nations around the world represented. It is a wonderfully blessed experience to worship, conduct business, and renew old friendships while making new ones from around the globe!

Hubby and I also spent some time networking with church leadership trying to get our congregation's building project off the ground. This project is close to entering it's 10th year of planning. I have titled this post failure because in many people's eyes we - and our church leadership - have failed each other.

Here's the thing........in my Bible concordance, there are only 33 references for any derivative of the word "fail" and most of those are really expressing that God will not fail in expressing love and compassion and in keeping the promises expressed throughout the Bible.  I'm not sure there is EVER total failure, for even in our failures we should take something away from it.  Remember that quote from Thomas Edison, "If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed.  I am not discouraged because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."

I also believe that often we can take our failures and make something beautiful from them. I have been working on an art quilt for .....ever?  Really, a few years.  Early on in the process, I made a mistake.  I decided to add some polyester fabric into it. (I know.....GASP!...polyester??...in a quilt??  It's an art quilt, remember.)  After I finished sewing it in, I needed to press the whole piece to flatten the seams.  My iron was a little too hot and it made a ripple effect. It was a major booboo!  But after recovering from my instant dismay, I realized that the piece of fabric that rippled was representing a river of flowing water in the quilt.  Actually, it was in the perfect place for the water to ripple in the scheme of the quilt.

Our failures should remind us that we can't control everything.  We can't control God, forces of nature, or even each other.  It simply doesn't work.  God is in control!  We need to learn to make something beautiful out of those things we can't control.  Will we EVER get to build the building that our congregation envisions? I don't know yet.  I do know that we are closer than we've been in our 10 year journey.  I do know that we have become a much more beautiful community along the path.  We haven't given up on our vision or each other.

"Many of life's falures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." - Thomas Edison.

Gratitude for:
- Meeting in community with an amazing group of people!
- God's grace of beauty in failure.
- Sleeping in my own bed!

Gratitude

Okay....the minute I hit the publish button I realized that I forgot to include gratitudes. Too late! No, my issue hasn't been resolved yet as far as I'm aware, but there are still things to be grateful for.

-Hubby contracted out cleaning out the landscape beds around the house and adding mulch. They came yesterday, and It looks so much better, and I got to sew while they were working so hard!

-A week with not much on my calendar so I can catch up on some things I want to do vs. have to do.

-The life and love of a very special lady who passed away this week.....my Aunt Betty. She was an inspiration to all who knew her.


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Grrrrrrr

Let me say upfront that this is simply a rant! If you don't want to read further, I'm okay with that. Really, I'm sure that you don't need my screaming to make your day all sunshine and roses! That being said.......

I have spent a good part of my waking hours so far today trying to straighten out a prescription snafu. I'm sure most of you can relate. Like most of the country, I rely on technology to keep me moving. Literally. Today's frustration is over my arthritis meds. Late last week I realized that I needed a refill on one of my prescriptions. This is easy-peasy for me because the process on my part means telling Hubby I need one. He does the rest by logging into the website and starting the refill process. Our prescriptions must be filled by a mail order pharmacy which, by the way, has recently merged with another mail order pharmacy and is now going by a new name although supposedly, "nothing's changed".

That aside, this prescription has no more refills so my rheumatologist has to issue a new script. Should be easy. They do it all the time. I see my doctor every three months, so that's not part of the equation. Apparently it is an equation that looks something like this: m x r (p ¥ + 57) f x m = p x mr. (By the way, there must not be anyone doing any dividing anymore since there is not key for that on my keyboard. I have no idea what the little y thingy is. I just thought it was cool, so I included it.)

For two days in a row now, Hubby has gotten an email informing him that the order cannot be processed. He called me this morning to share the good news, with a request that I contact my rheumatologist and place it in their hands. Ok. I can do that.

Seems that their office never received the request. Now to log into the pharmacy website and check out what's going on with them. Nope. After another phone call to Hubby I still can't log in. No problem, I just called them. I'm kind of sweating bullets here in anticipation that because I'm covered under Hubby's insurance that they will need to speak to him. (I'm a little over sensitive to that problem because it has happened way too many times over the course of our marriage!) Thankfully, I had the bottle in my hand so I had the RX number. Whew! Dodged that one. They inform me that they have faxed the needed form twice and have not received a response. Wait...the doctor's office said they never got the request. I verify the fax number with them. Yep..it's correct. Deep breath...maybe two or three...or more.

One more plea to the doctor. I'm not quite sure why, but my chart was returned to the maze of the file room after my original call. Since I have part-time residence at their office, they are familiar enough with me to answer my questions without it. The pharmacy told me to ask them to just send them the prescription. Seems easy enough. But no, the pharmacy won't accept the prescription unless it is received on their form and the office doesn't have the form. Here's where the GRRRRRR escalates.

I'm NOT screaming! I am NOT screaming! No, really I'm not. I'm not even sure who I should be screaming at. The pharmacy can't fill the prescription without the script, and my doctor can't authorize it without the correct form. I'm thinking that I can once more blame the government or maybe the guy who invented the fax machine. I have left it in the capable hands of my buddy Jeff, the RN at my rheumatologist's office. I know it will get straightened out, but I'd really like to give a couple of fax machines a swift hard kick to their hard drives!


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